Thursday, 19 November 2009

Booze News

Choice quotes:
"For those drinking little - less than a shot of vodka a day for instance - the risk was reduced by 35%. And for those who drank anything from three shots to more than 11 shots each day, the risk worked out an average of 50% less."

I see no limit on the "more than 11....", which is nice.

The type of alcohol drunk did not seem to make a difference, but protection was greater for those drinking moderate to high amounts of varied drinks. "
So, go get steamed. Mix 'em, it's good for you. Lovely!

Shame the distaff side don't reap the benefits of a good bender, though:

"The same benefits were not seen in women"

Oh. But that's ok because:
"[they] suffer fewer heart problems than men to start with. Researchers speculated this difference could be down to the fact that women process alcohol differently, and that female hormones protect against the disease in younger age groups."
So, smug points +100 but hey, hormones or alcohol? Hmmm I know which I'd rather be saddled with...

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

Thoughts on Women

If I knew the source of this list, I'd tell you. If you do, let me know and I'll attribute it.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.


Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.


You know that look women get in their eye when they want sex? Me neither.

Steve Martin

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.


"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Henry Youngman

The only food that permanently destroys a woman's sex drive? Wedding cake.

Anon Jewish proverb

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.”

P.J. O’Rourke

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."

Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...


You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henry Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years... then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.


A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."


First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."


Wednesday, 4 November 2009

Oh the Iron(y)*

The missus went over to NornIron last week for a few days to cat-sit for a friend.
Having a troll around the rather lovely Banbridge, she spotted this sign in Tourist Information which I think probably means something different now from what it may have done back in the day...

* See what I did there?

Thursday, 1 October 2009

Stupid, stupid woman.

Harriet manages to publicise a website which I would imagine was only known about by the cognoscenti and now every curious schoolkid will be scanning voraciously for details of local slags.
Way to go you shrivelled up, joyless, hatchet-arsed, sanctimonious, abstemious old munter!

Wonder if she's been snooping on Jack's PC while he's been out?

PS local field reports seem to imply that my $LOCALE has a few active knocking shops; I'd be surprised if any punters would bother getting out of their cars having seen the dealers, dogshit, graffiti and decay infesting some of the back streets (and not a few of the main ones!)

Monday, 28 September 2009


Something I'm working on ( © me ).
Is it worth bothering with/should I cease & desist forthwith?

As Ever
As ever, we're bound by the shackles of our prejudices
And as ever, we don't know this.
We see through our fingers
And only glimpse what filters through.

As ever, we're bowed by the weight of our inhibitions
And as ever, we simply hunch.
We lift with our backs
And wonder why our legs are aching.

As ever, we're informed by sources that please us
And as ever, we negate those that don't.
We read through a sieve
And ignore the small, lost grains.

Thursday, 24 September 2009

Pissed old git dead.

Hmmm - “Floyd just wanted to cook, eat well, get a bit pissed, make enough money to maintain his somewhat hedonsitic lifestyle and enjoy himself. Don’t we all?"

Well, I would contend that "live a lot longer than 65 years" would have also featured on that list if anyone had actually asked him. And he had no cash to continue being hedonistic because (yet another) ex-wife was fleecing him for his last sou. Plus from the programme about him last week his very self-awareness that he had turned into an obnoxious, arrogant pisshead and irretrievable cunt was palpable in his every sweaty, laboured, dying breath. His self-loathing was bountifully evident in his demeanour after he told his daughter - who he hadn't seen or contacted in 10 years - to "shut your fucking face" at their reunion dinner. Giles Coren has it right (as ever) here:

(apologies for duplication - this is a reply I'd posted on Steve Shark's blog ( here)

Friday, 14 August 2009

Les Paul - cheers, mate.

Just heard he's died. Here's a lovely little movie:

The guitar was actually out of production when Eric Clapton recorded this

with John Mayall - a year or so later it became the biggest selling guitar of all time. Have a listen - at 0:57 you start hearing something no-one had used before; feedback. A killer signature lick at 1:11 and then from 1:22 a solo that still brings the hair on the back of your arms to attention.

Cheers, mate. We owe you.

Friday, 3 July 2009

Why boys need their parents - part 5 of an occasional series

or: "More fun with electricity"!

Holy shit/fun with electricity

I'm doing up the kitchen.
This of necessity involves loads of hacking and destruction, which is nice.
Part of said hacking has included removing the old floor and wall units and chipping off of tiles; behind one of the floor units was a mains socket suppying power to the downlighting from the wall units.
Having removed the units and tiles, here's how I found the socket had been wired in:

Nice, eh!

Thursday, 11 June 2009

Footballers are *so* gay - Part 3

What bastard is wearing Rosa Klebb's boots?

Holy shit it's only a sodding CARPET FFS!

Just had a geezer round to measure up our hallway for a new carpet. £963!!!!! Nine sodding hundred and sixty three bloody quid! For a carpet! A CARPET FFS!
Bloody bleeding bloody hell.

Where's the Jim Beam?

Friday, 5 June 2009

Friday, 22 May 2009

Thursday, 21 May 2009

Bloody footballers are just *so* gay....

Bet he wanted a month off with pay, too. Tart.

Monday, 18 May 2009

Eco Bollocks

I spent a dirty couple of hours on Saturday on my hands and knees wearing Marigolds, in all the way up to my elbow.
Bloody blocked drains.
We live in a basement flat of a typical 1860's Victorian 6-storey block; hence all the water drainage from the flats above feed into a couple of drains at the rear of the property. Three months ago I had to clear one of these as it was draining only very slowly, wouldn't even clear with two applications of Caustic Soda. Eventually we extracted from it a grey-white fatty plug about the size of a melon, which had a consistency somewhat like tallowfat candlewax, by forcing a whippy metal cleaning rod round the S-trap and shoving it down into the manhole downstream.
We had a similar problem on Saturday with the other drain, except this time (sorry if you've just had lunch) the blockage had more the consistency of Nivea or Flora and was a rank, fetid smelling black/grey sludge - hence the Marigolds.
Both these drains are domestic water waste, not sewerage (thank goodness) and come from a variety of sinks (bathroom and kitchen) and washing machine outlets.
In neither case did the stuff seem to have food debris in it and didn't have a foody smell so what was the culprit?
Well, having a check around a few plumbing websites it seems that the problem is being seen more and more frequently lately, and seems to be down to a couple of possible causes: the recent trend towards "Eco-friendly" low temperature washes (30 degrees and less) and "Eco-Balls". The problem being that the low temperature wash doesn't dissolve body dirt and grease and food fat, but instead just lifts it into suspension and it is then just deposited into the pipes after the washing machine, and the "Eco-Balls" are used without detergents at all and so don't even try to dissolve the fatty stuff.
It seems that many plumbers are now being called out to clear just this sort of blockage, with the attendant problem that the gunk is rank with bacteria (hence the foul smells) and the black mould being found inside washing machine door seals. Apparently most instruction manuals state somewhere that it is necessary to run a high temperature (greater than 60 degree) wash once a month to alleviate potential problems but most people are so hooked on their green credentials that they don't bother.

No reason for this post, really, apart from a bit of a rant.

Eco-Balls? Never a truer product name!

Friday, 15 May 2009

Topical Joke

The Barber
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies,
'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank
you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a copper comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The copper is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you'
card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then, an MP comes in for a haircut , and when he goes
to pay his bill the barber again replies,
'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The MP is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen
MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

Gordon: "I'm Loving It"

Strangely, I reckon Gordon Brown & his inner cabal are actually loving all of this.
There's not been a single mention in any of the papers or the blogs (both official and bile-full unofficial of all political colours) of the really important issue of the mis-governance of the UK that had brought him, his party and the UK to their metaphorical knees for over a fortnight now.
Classic piece of prestidigitation! I've fucked over your country but what's 200 Billion compared to 200k in a dodgy mortgage claim? WOOT!

Tuesday, 12 May 2009

Why boys need their parents - part 2 of an occasional series


Got a speeding tug on Sunday - doing 50 on a bit of country road with no side exits but which led out of town from a 30. Lampposts to denote 30 zone are obscured by trees and the bastXXXXcoppers were obscured by a pillar supporting the overpass. Not half a mile away is a separate but near identical bit of country road that I go along every morning where the limit *IS* 50, but it even goes past a fucking Nursery school fer Christ's sake! No logic except the bit I was nicked on has some nice shady hiding places.


Friday, 8 May 2009

Boys need their parents- an occasional series - Part 1

In honour of Obnoxio's inestimable partworks, here's the beginning of one of my own.

Wednesday, 29 April 2009

Bloody good show!

Gurkha vote won in the commons!

You should know never to cross this woman.......

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

Support the Gurkhas. DO IT!

I've sent this to my MP via - please do something similar.

I wish to ask you to support with your full parliamentary weight the campaign for Gurkha Justice - I understand there is a debate and vote scheduled for this Wednesday and trust that you will be in the house for this. This, surely, is not a subject on which partisan politics is appropriate and I feel you should vote with your conscience, not necessarily your party.
I imagine I am the umpteenth person to write to you regarding this matter, but I believe that this is indicative of the strength of feeling that the British people and enourmous respect for the contribution made by the Gurkhas over more than a century of sterling service to our country, and feel that the very least we can give them is support in their retirement years.
Certainly caveats on the criteria are to expected - e.g. minimum service (but not the outrageous 15 years that is currently the case; I'd suggest 3 years) and a not eligible after a dishonourable discharge rule, for example; but my understanding of the current rules is that they are unnecessarily harsh and exclusive.
Plus, of course, both the "Gurkha Palace" and "Gurkha Chef" in St. Leonard's are superb restaurants. And Joanna Lumley is *truly* gorgeous!
Yours sincerely,

Monday, 6 April 2009

Letters to the Editor . . . .

Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person
present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not
having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the
RAC have more responsible employees.

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living
too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish
they'd make their minds up.
John, Bristol

'Disneyland - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a
mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loses
around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I
would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the
extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
L Palmer, London

With reference to Mr Palmer's previous letter. I am also married to a
Taiwanese lady, but nobody ever asks me if she is a mail order bride.
But perhaps that's because I am also Taiwanese. And we live in Taiwan.
Lo Chi Chang, Taipei

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make
from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they
stop breaking the law, so will I.

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife’s
growler. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
Australia have discovered the
smallest fish known to exist. They've
obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about
galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
the exception of 'There is Nothing Left to Lose' by the Foo Fighters. I
hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid
sense of humour.

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My Dad
is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in Customs.

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being
the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that !

When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I
was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the
lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!' Funny,
but the poor sod's face told a different story.

I was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake of
trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a
hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some

I don't know why cigarette manufacturers put those big warning stickers
on the side of their packets. If anything, it is likely to put people
off buying the product.

Forget Prince Harry and his fascist ways, whilst eating a Birdseye
Potato Waffle the other day, I was sickened to be able to fashion a
crude swastika from the compressed starch matrix. And their Alphabites
are no better. After carefully selecting a plateful, I was able to
spell out 'Hitler is nice' if I used a z on its side for an n. How long
are the frozen food giants going to be allowed to get away with this?

'You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips...' wrote the
Righteous Brothers in their 1964 hit. Well, to be fair, in order to see
that your bird's not closing her eyes when you're copping off with her
you would have to have your eyes open as well. It sounds to me like
they've both 'lost that lovin' feeling.' I reckon the relationship is
dead in the water and they should end it now before they both get hurt.

The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have
good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst picking a
penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the anus. That's
not good luck in my book.
Milos el Standish, Barcelona

I was shocked to hear Home Secretary say that Britain's prison
population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the
world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given
'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can
only dream of.

On our wedding anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me
like a Princess. He was as good as his word: he took me for a meal, got
completely pissed and on the way home crashed into a concrete pillar at
120mph, killing me instantly.

If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney
characters are Man Utd supporters?

They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I
regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky
TV in my local.

If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures salmon and bacon?

They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks. I sent my daughter to
finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.

In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital
cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos
Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name
of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will
show a little more imagination in this century.

We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to
the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she 'bravely remained in London
beside her husband' during the war. This contrasts sharply with the
actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately
left his wife and children and pissed off, first to France, then North
Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will
always be with us.

Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East
End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a
hero by the people of London. That's because he flew Heinkel bombers
for the Luftwaffe.
Werner Hoffman, Munich .

I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young
people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up
boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

Time out is desperately needed!

Forgot to put some important new code live on Saturday. Plus, I bolloxed up a script change meaning that 250+ users were locked out of the system first thing this morning.
I'm going to have a few days off.
I blame the medication..........

Friday, 3 April 2009

Local Paper

I despair. I wrote the following to the local paper, and all there is on the letters page is people bitching about dogshit on the pavements and how they don't like the look of the proposed new local art gallery ("Ooh it's a bit too *modern* for my liking").
Why not print something that's not so bloody *anodyne* for christ's sake..

In the press:
A youth has a history of aggressive behaviour, minor court appearances, convictions for violence dating back some years. Each time he has been before a magistrate or judge he has been described as a coiled spring, an explosion waiting to happen. His defenders claim he is misunderstood and has had a rough deal since his school days (where he was the class bully). This 'wannabee gangster' also has convictions for knife crime, a fact that should have been acknowledged before his recent conviction
Was it the case of Jimmy Mizen's murderer Jake Fahri in the National press? On the 10 o'clock news?
Yes and No.
There's a piece of pondscum from {local area} who has been in the '{local paper}' over and again for the last few years - and in two different reports in last Friday's for separate offences - for exactly this sort of thing and the prior headlines and reports of his court cases have been almost *exactly* the same as Fahri's, it's almost eerily identical.
What has to happen before these lowlifes are removed from the streets and the 'give-them-one-more-chance' attitude is finally dropped for the drivel that it really is?

Monday, 30 March 2009

Latest DB upgrade larger than expected, admit IBM

Took this pic aboard ship while waiting to depart Spain recently....

Wednesday, 18 March 2009

Proof positive that they inhabit an entirely different planet

Quite apart from the fact that I feel absolutely soiled from reading the rag, this line from an interview in The Guardian with Gordon Brown ("Only we have the answers, insists Gordon Brown") absolutely made my blood boil:

"The prime minister reinforces his message by echoing Neil Kinnock's famous "I warn you not to fall ill" speech on the dangers of a Thatcher victory."

How can the man have the *gall* to sit there and spout this drivel when the papers are full of a report on the utter, utter, abject failings at Staffordshire due entirely to his "government's" appalling, criminal mismanagement? He *at least* should have asked the paper to remove this line if he has any shame at all.
The man is seriously deluded.


Monday, 9 March 2009

Well, f*ck me rigid

"People with quick reactions more likely to live longer, research suggests"


Tuesday, 3 March 2009

That's prison life for you....

Well known philanthropist Conrad Black on life inside, as reported in The Times today:

(Conrad Black) .... refuses to concede that his social life has been harmed by his incarceration.
"My circle hasn't so much changed as expanded".

So that's a lifetime's supply of soft cushions for Mr. Black, please.

Wednesday, 28 January 2009

Well chilled today

111/70@46 bpm.


Wednesday, 14 January 2009

Blimey I agree with a Labour Politician!

"This reached a pinnacle of absurdity, with Naomi Gadien, a second year medical student initiating a legal case against the General Medical Council because she believes she’s being discriminated against by having to do written exams. I don’t know about anybody else but I want my doctors to be able to read and write."

I *like* this bloke!