Monday, 6 April 2009

Letters to the Editor . . . .

Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person
present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not
having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the
RAC have more responsible employees.

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living
too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish
they'd make their minds up.
John, Bristol

'Disneyland - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a
mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loses
around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I
would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the
extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
L Palmer, London

With reference to Mr Palmer's previous letter. I am also married to a
Taiwanese lady, but nobody ever asks me if she is a mail order bride.
But perhaps that's because I am also Taiwanese. And we live in Taiwan.
Lo Chi Chang, Taipei

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make
from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they
stop breaking the law, so will I.

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife’s
growler. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
Australia have discovered the
smallest fish known to exist. They've
obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about
galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
the exception of 'There is Nothing Left to Lose' by the Foo Fighters. I
hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid
sense of humour.

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My Dad
is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in Customs.

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being
the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that !

When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I
was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the
lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!' Funny,
but the poor sod's face told a different story.

I was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake of
trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a
hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some

I don't know why cigarette manufacturers put those big warning stickers
on the side of their packets. If anything, it is likely to put people
off buying the product.

Forget Prince Harry and his fascist ways, whilst eating a Birdseye
Potato Waffle the other day, I was sickened to be able to fashion a
crude swastika from the compressed starch matrix. And their Alphabites
are no better. After carefully selecting a plateful, I was able to
spell out 'Hitler is nice' if I used a z on its side for an n. How long
are the frozen food giants going to be allowed to get away with this?

'You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips...' wrote the
Righteous Brothers in their 1964 hit. Well, to be fair, in order to see
that your bird's not closing her eyes when you're copping off with her
you would have to have your eyes open as well. It sounds to me like
they've both 'lost that lovin' feeling.' I reckon the relationship is
dead in the water and they should end it now before they both get hurt.

The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have
good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst picking a
penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the anus. That's
not good luck in my book.
Milos el Standish, Barcelona

I was shocked to hear Home Secretary say that Britain's prison
population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the
world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given
'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can
only dream of.

On our wedding anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me
like a Princess. He was as good as his word: he took me for a meal, got
completely pissed and on the way home crashed into a concrete pillar at
120mph, killing me instantly.

If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney
characters are Man Utd supporters?

They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I
regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky
TV in my local.

If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures salmon and bacon?

They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks. I sent my daughter to
finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.

In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital
cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos
Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name
of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will
show a little more imagination in this century.

We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to
the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she 'bravely remained in London
beside her husband' during the war. This contrasts sharply with the
actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately
left his wife and children and pissed off, first to France, then North
Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will
always be with us.

Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East
End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a
hero by the people of London. That's because he flew Heinkel bombers
for the Luftwaffe.
Werner Hoffman, Munich .

I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young
people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up
boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

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